Recently, my Uncle Wayne passed away. He died of a drug overdose. I love him but we weren't close, so I'm not broken up. It's just sad that it came to that. Especially because he did love God, and left behind a wonderful family, including my now heavy-hearted mom.
I can't help but think, 'How did it get to that? Why couldn't he beat the drugs even though he was saved? Why do some people turn to drugs and alcohol, and some don't?
I will attempt to answer these questions by doing what I do best, sharing my unconventional experience on the matter. 😥🙃
DON'T SWEAT THE "DRUG"
The first thing I would like to address is that we should not get too caught up in the type of drug a person is into, as anything, yes ANYTHING can be a drug.
Shopping.
Attention.
Sleep.
Food.
Sex.
Television.
Social media.
Because they bring pleasure in the form of dopamine, any of these have addictive qualities when done in excess or for the wrong reasons, each with their own consequence.
MY STORY
Second, I'd like to address why we turn to substances or end our lives through substance abuse.
Surprisingly, this understanding came through my own bout with substances.
Just two years ago I was severely depressed. So much so that every night, when the sun would set, I would go out to my car, and do drugs until I was high enough to fall straight asleep quickly, and deeply.
I felt so convicted for doing this, as I was taught that this was a sin. That this was wrong. That God was not pleased with this and therefore, I could not touch him and He would not be near me in this state of utter weakness & helplessness.
To my great surprise, God did not deal with me in the way that I have heard about in church sermons. I will not proceed to clarify what is sin and what is not concerning this subject. I do not intend to glorify any substance or any substance use or abuse. As usual, when I tell my experiences, I will only tell you that. My experience.
Watch my companion freestyle to Kenyon Dixon's chorus song "Get High, Get By": https://www.instagram.com/p/Cj_pGk3Dq8L/
This was my routine for months. During one session of car-imprisoned misery, I was going thru my usual night-time ritual when I heard the Lord sweetly say to me, "It's not the drug you want. It's the feeling." 👀
It's not the drug you want. It's the feeling.
😟Um, Lord what? Of all the things you could say in this moment, this is how you coming at me?!
As I sat there and mustered up all of my strength to listen for more of what He might want to say, I began to see Him clearly show me that I was suffering so much pain that I had lost sight of anything but that pain. And that my seeking to get lifted was to try to soothe, heal, and escape the depths of unresolved pain I was in, and refused to face, as if facing it would somehow intensify the suffering. Unknown realities and hard conversations were too much for my heart.
God continued to show me that my pain was manifold:
-anger with Him over what I thought my life should have looked like by then
-questions about why some things had not changed in my life, when they would change, and what I had done to keep them from changing
-the loneliness and isolation of these pains
-resisting stepping into the things he had for me due to stubbornness (because I didn't have what I wanted yet) and fear of people's opinions if I did
-unrealized potential and the haunting of lifelong dreams
-looking into my future and not seeing hope or having positive expectation
-fear that I had messed up so badly that my life would be forever what I felt in that season of life
It totally blew me away that the Holy Spirit would speak to me from this viewpoint and not one of Hell, fire, and brimstone. God was not moved by the drug use. He saw beyond the exterior, to the reasons behind it. It also led me into the realization of what that pain entailed. He continued over the following year or more to sit with me whenever I would smoke and pull back more layers that had hardened my heart while in survival mode. In fact, I recorded an entire log of notes in my phone called "Things I Heard When I Was High" and had every intention to release it, but somehow I deleted it.
HOW DOES GOD FEEL ABOUT DRUG USE
I said I would not explicitly say what is sin around this topic, because I think it is deeply nuanced - apparently He thinks the same, as evidenced by how He handled me.
I will say that the feeling I got when sitting in His presence (even though I was high) was that He was more upset - as it relates to sin - that I was looking to the drug to comfort me, rather than to Him, when no drug, no matter how good it makes you feel, can EVER replace the warmth, the soothing, the heightened awareness, the calming, the bliss that He can make me feel. And He gives highs that last! He seemed more upset that the drug had replaced Him in my heart.
This highlights the true nature of my heart in this moment, though. Although I had experienced the beauty of His companionship and the ecstasy of His presence throughout my life, I did not want to lean into Him to help me because I did not want to talk to Him. I was mad at him. Another thing He didn't even flinch at. I think it was anger with him (that I would not admit) which was the seed that invited this tree of escapism into my life.
Without God, we are only a fragment of ourselves. Without being at peace with God, with ourselves, and others, we will never be fully whole. Love is everything.
RESTORATION
That was two years ago.
Since then, every inch of my heart has been restored! Sunsets make me smile again. Just the sheer beauty in their color, perfection, and ease bring gladness to my heart and awe for their Painter. You see, I am back to being at peace with Him again. I am back to being at peace with me again.
He and I have discussed the contents of my heart in thorough detail. He patiently heard and let me voice every gripe and retorted with masterfully gentle, love-soaked profundity. It took some time, but I sit here now writing this blog in absolute disbelief that I am no longer in that broken state. 🙌🏽
There are times when muscle memory tries to kick in making me think I need drugs again, but on those days, I calmly slow down, take authority over my body and my mind and remind myself that I don't need anything external to have a good life. That God is enough. That I am enough. And I say what God said. Love is self control.
I seek out things that make me happy and fulfilled, giving myself over to those things.
Sometimes that's just slowing down and engaging with my spirit to be with God, as a child, comfortably tucked in His lap.
Sometimes that's writing music and using my creativity, or doing something that stretches my mind (we just bored, ya'll).
Sometimes I cuss-talk myself into discipline - doing the next step in the things I know I'm supposed to be giving my time to concerning my purpose and dreams/goals.
Sometimes, I just place myself around the right people that I know can fill my love tank or someone I can love on, instead.
IF THIS IS YOU
I said all of this to say that if you are a substance user, or even abuser, and it's become an addiction, God is close to you. It's as simple as acknowledging Him in that state.
It sounds crazy, but ask Jesus to sit with you while you use drugs (if you're going to do it anyway). Invite Him to reveal Himself, to speak to you, and to heal your heart while you are in that vulnerable state. He will protect you and pour grace over you. He will get messy and He will stay as long as it takes to walk you right out of that pit.
I don't think these substances change us, rather, they magnify our innards (what is happening beneath the surface in our subconscious mind and heart) and make us sensitive to the spirit realm (unseen world). Which is why there are "hallucinations" and the like. (I may never be able to prove it until I crossover from this life though😖). Therefore, isn't it safer to invite Jesus to be with you so he can help you while you're vulnerable and susceptible? That's actually much safer than just going at it raw, I'd say. Perhaps you will be able to have therapy and deliverance in an unconventional way, guided by Love Himself.
To add further unorthodoxy to this blog, even if you don't get to quit, at the very least, you will be able to stop abusing and grab some kind of balance and power over the drug, so as not to destroy your life. Obviously, this will only work for certain drugs, as some of the stronger ones can potentially stop your heart altogether, and that's clearly not what I am referring to.
In short, I break off fear and condemnation. Drag your drugs into the Light and see what He can do in the lowest and most taboo places. Where gospel music, Christians, and church services dare not go, Jesus enters joyfully.
You can love God and fall into drug use. Don't let anyone take your identity from you because you do - you are GOD'S BELOVED CHILD. It's bigger than sin. What is bigger than sin, you ask? Merciful Love and abundant grace.
Where gospel music, Christians, and church services dare not go, Jesus enters joyfully.
WHY SOME USE AND SOME DON'T
What's more? I truly believe that the reason some use and some don't is because some people are made to contain the deep things of God. To know His secrets, the mysteries of His creation, His will, and His ways. It creates a deep reservoir in us that this world, this life can't even attempt to fill!
When we cannot come in contact with the depths and heights we were made truly made for, we seek things that can make us feel those ways. There's a reason we call it "getting high". We just want MORE. More than the pain. More than the mediocrity of this lower, decaying life.
Moses knew God's ways, but the children of Israel only knew God's acts. So Moses got to hear God's secrets and see parts of Him that God wasn't showing to everybody. Can you imagine if Mo got a taste of that and then couldn't get back to it in today's time? With all the distractions and options we have, I think he would be blazing up on the daily!
The secret of the Lord is with them that fear Him. We were made to know Him intimately. To know His secrets. To know the "greater works shall ye do" that Jesus spoke of. We were made to traverse the high places in the spirit realms that most believers and Christians won't touch. The "I have more to show you but I can't because you still need the basic teachings" that Jesus talked about.
This is my life's journey, almost every day. And it's not until I recenter my heart in this flow of connection to God, myself, and others that I am my happiest, most peaceful, most loving, most fulfilled self. The self that doesn't depend on external things, because the Greater One is inside me filling every space.
The secret of the Lord is with them that fear Him.
Could this be you? Some locating questions to ask yourself:
Am I constantly questioning things in this world?
Do I believe in life on other planets?
Do I have a vivid imagination of things unexplained?
Am I interested in astrology, numerology, crystals, studying multiple religions, science, meditation, new age, yoga, and horoscopes?
If you can answer yes to these kinds of questions, chances are you are who I am speaking to. These kinds are yearning for the MORE. Jesus is really really good at more.
IN CLOSING
There are people who take things at face value and are content to go about their way. Then there are those who hunger and thirst and are filled with deep sensitivities and heightened desires for what else there is beyond what we've been told... These are the ones made to be close to His heart!
And I think this was my Uncle Wayne. I think he longed for affection that he never really received. I think he wanted more out of life that he seemingly could not attain. I think he couldn't reconcile his mistakes through the receipt of grace. And he found a way to omit these agonies for periods of time in substance abuse.
I could have said all this to my Uncle. I should have. But I was afraid to speak to anyone on the topic. I thought people would stone me for these radical ways of mine. Now, I wish I had not cared what might become of me for simply following my heart and sharing my experience. It might have saved his life...🥺
I pray that it saves yours.
You can talk to me in the comments, and Like & Share if helpful
🤎